Cats on a bass

How do you know when you're not practicing enough?



When your cats think the bass is a bed.

I feel un-American

How can I consider myself an American when I lost a pound over the Thanksgiving holiday? No, I wasn't forced to slyly distribute dry turkey and mushy veggies to my in-laws' dogs. My in-laws cooked an excellent dinner, and I ate lots and lots of good food last week.

You, too, can shed pounds during the holidays while eating tons of food. Here's how:

1. Stay on the third floor of your cousin's house. And forget stuff every time you go up or down the stairs.

2. Acquire a baby who can only by soothed by walking around in your arms for hours every day.
3. Breastfeed this baby so that you metabolize Thanksgiving Day-supersized portions everyday.
4. Jog a 5K race on Thanksgiving Day despite cold weather and little preparation, because you are too stubborn to imagine lounging at home and forfeiting the registration fee.

5. Marry into a family with relatives who are so health conscious that they can tell you not only what specific chemical in your glass of red wine is good for you, but also assure you that you are drinking the type of red wine that has the highest concentration of this chemical.

I wear my sunglasses at night

...because whether my compact car is packed with the upright bass or the stroller/infant seat/ diaper bag combination, there's no room for my sunglasses unless they're on my head.

Cell Phone Torture

None of the cell phones you see here are in use. They are discards collected by my husband to be recycled. So they sit in the living room.

"Beep"

How can those cell phones be beeping? They can't be getting messages.

"Beep"

Once I get this diaper changed, I'll get out there and take care of it.

"Beep"

This is starting to get really annoying

"Beep"

I open a few phones, to clear any messages, then turn back to the couch.

"Beep"

I looked for a low battery signal on any of the phones. No such luck.

"Beep"

Wait, is that coming from somewhere else?"

"Beep"

Oh, hubby accidentally left his cell phone on the counter when he left for work today.

Cliches that need to die

Cliche: "A face only a mother could love"
Reality: A stoller is always surrounded by a swarm of smilling strangers, no matter how ugly the infant.

Cliche: "Sleeping like a baby"
Reality: Baby wakes up every few hours screaming

Cliche: "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater"
Reality: She's been screaming for three hours. I'd rather keep the bathwater.

Support stem cell research so gays can have their own children

No, I'm not trying to invent the biggest hot-button issue ever. This is real science in development, folks.

Meanwhile, South Carolina is voting on one of those marriage amendments next week. They are still concerned about marriage of same-sex couples. How quaint.

What they don't realize is that they could combine all the important issues and fret over the snowflake babies that are going to be sacrificed for gay couples’ children. [Scientist’s note: No fetuses would actually be sacrificed in the making of these children, since it involves "adult" stem cells; the idea is to generate egg or sperm, whichever is missing in your relationship, from your own adult stem cells.]

Yes, you have stem cells in places like your bone marrow. Watch out, the creepy liberals might come after you and kill you to cure Parkinson's victims, who are all over-exaggerating their symptoms.

To butcher the words of a wise man: "If the end of the world comes tomorrow, you are welcome to stay with me in South Carolina. We'd probably have 50 more years."

Nelumbo Jr. pictures

I've finally had time to organize some of my digital pictures from the last month. As a special treat, one time only, I'm posting a picture of Nelumbo Jr.

For security reasons, I'm not going to post lots of pictures of her here. But friends and family, just e-mail me and say "I want more pictures" and I'll send more than you have time to look at!